Titans, An Uncertain Comedy

designer adhesive WallpaperI can’t say I’m convinced by ‘Titans!’, the recently-announced sitcom focused on the ancient Greek deities of the same name. I can see the appeal in taking these titanic mythological figures and putting them in ordinary, mundane and wacky situations as they just try to live normal lives. The trailer had a couple of good moments, like Atlas getting angry at Hyperion because he drank the last of the divine nectar and put the empty bottle back in the magical ice chunk, and he’s having the Olympians round for dinner so he goes out, and…

You know, describing comedic situations like that makes them sound a lot less funny than they are. Still, most of the trailer just…wasn’t funny. I get that they’re going for a bit of anachronistic humour, but there was like a thirty-second segment dedicated to Chronos whining to Gaia and Tartarus about how he wants designer wallpaper for his room depicting that one time he beat Uranus in an arm-wrestling conquest in front of the whole school. It was kinda funny when we saw the end result- a massive wallpaper mural of the event, blown way out of proportion and exaggerated- but I’m not sure the writing team has the chops to make an entire episode’s worth of jokes about wallpaper. They talked about it at the panel afterwards as well; said the ‘wallpaper episode’ was one they were really proud of. Maybe there’s going to be a B-plot about Atlas and Rhea sneaking out to go to the Amphitheatre to see a bawdy show and getting totally grounded, but…I dunno. The trailer was bad. Maybe it’s just a bad trailer, maybe not?

Or maybe they just got one of those sponsorships from a company that does digital wallpaper, meaning they had to write a whole thing into the script because money and stuff. I have nothing against people who make wallpaper or anything. I love that you can get digital wallpaper now. But I just don’t want a really good premise to be ruined by some sub-par writing, you know?


Auto-Style, Just What We Need!

hair stylists South MelbourneYou know, I really think I’ve cracked the code of what’s been wrong with our mech-suits. And that is…hair. Unless you want one of those open-cockpit abominations that just shouldn’t exist, mech suits are often enclosed to offer the best protection and care. But wait, many cry! That will mess up my hair as surely as will a hat or hood, or some similar thing! Plus there’s just the generally untapped market of hair styling machines.

We can combine all that into one with our Mech-Suit Mark VII, now with an in-built hair styling service. Combined with the suit being able to serve you breakfast, navigate the appointments and a cooling system that keeps you fresh on those hot days, I really think we’re getting close to a real product.

Only problem now is that the hair styling…doesn’t work. We’ve contacted all sorts of hairdressers in the Melbourne CBD and asked for help in developing the project, and none of them seemed to think it would work. I mean…sure. It’s unprecedented, a series of metal arms that are able to style your hair in hundreds of different ways via vocal commands.

And okay, sure: a lot of the hairdressers raised the very good point that people wouldn’t be too happy with a robot using scissors around their heads. That’s why we go to hair salons, to get professional hairdressers to snip around our heads with scissors instead. If a hairdresser accidentally gives you a jab, they can say sorry and learn from the experience.

Alright, so, research it is. We just have to get our engineers to visit every single hair salon within the city limits, take as many notes as possible, and maybe hire a hairdresser to perform a trim so we can record it for our AI system. Any information is useful. I’ll do some research, look up all the hair stylists near South Melbourne, and complete our data-banks. I really think the auto-style function is what we need for mech-suits to be commercially viable, though.


The Greatest of Office Designers

office designAnd my parents said that a degree on commercial office design was a waste of time! Well, they said the same thing about my entire existence, and look how THAT turned out. That’s right: probably correct for most of my life. But now I have a degree, and I’m going to be the very best office designer Melbourne has ever seen. All I have right now is the degree, because it’s a seriously cut-throat industry that’s hard to break into, but one day everyone will know my name. You won’t be able to walk into an office in Melbourne without seeing my design stamp upon it, both in a metaphorical sense (I’m thinking of combining art-deco with neo-Grecian architecture, for a truly distinctive style) and also, in real life. As in, when I design an office, I’ll put my logo on it somewhere. Not in a really obvious way, just like…always there, so people don’t forget that it was me who made them this wonderful, open-plan space that they are currently enjoying. I’ll have to put that in the contract or something otherwise I’m not sure if businesses will go for it.

Ideally, I’m thinking that I have to join one of the many guilds that exist within the world of Melbourne office design. As I said, it’s quite a serious industry, filled with serious business, and you can’t just start designing offices willy-nilly. You find a mentor who’ll teach you the secret ways, and also help you to survive amongst all the other young, up-and-coming office designers who’ll almost certainly be trying to trip you up, and maybe secretly assassinate you if you have enough skill. I suppose that’s how you know for sure if you have the special x-factor to join the industry of Melbourne’s best office fitouts. Not only have you survived multiple assassination attempts, but you also excel at desk placement, and the best window locations for natural light. Unless there’s skylight potential. PRO-TIPS.


Better Bathrooms, Here and in Animation

Melbourne bathroom designersEveryone is buzzing about VR lately, and I personally can’t wait until it’s a real thing. See, people like me are cursed. My love for Japanime has shown me that things could be so much better than they are in real life, and yet, it is something I could never have…unless we get totally-immersive video games at some point in the near future, and then it’ll be awesome. The world of the digital can be shaped however we wish, just like in ‘Digi-Mon-Day’, except without the calculator business and world saving. Although it WILL save the world, just you wait!

So anyway, until that day comes, I’ve been checking out the incredible new anime from Dinky-Dai-Animations, which is all based around…bathroom renovators. See, even things like that can be made incredible by the power of creativity and animation! In real life, I wouldn’t have much of an interest in bathroom renovations. Well, except if they involved putting in an extra sink, because my sister hogs it something fierce. And then maybe it’d be nice to have a shower that actually worked, instead of the rubbish hot-cold drip we have now. And a bath…yeah, one of those would be cool. It’s just nice to have options when it comes to the winter, you know?

Okay, maybe bathroom renovations are a bit more interesting than I thought, but you know what makes them even better? An anime about bathroom renovators who do that, and also protect the bathroom from evil spirits! There’s nothing worse than being attacked by a demon while you’re trying to brush your teeth, and that’s the type of professional bathroom designers I can get on board with.

Though if someone could stop the dripping and maybe get us a new sink without all the limescale, in real life, I wouldn’t exactly complain…


Yes, I’m Very Passionate About Kitchens

kitchen interior designIt’s great having some acting work again, even if it’s mostly just ads. Hey, that’s how most actors tend to tide themselves over in between the big stuff. I didn’t like the idea at first…particularly since it felt like a step down. But meh…it’s not like I was a big movie star before anyway. Not even a big celebrity; just small-time stuff in a cabaret act. It was so fun, though…

Still, I have to put my all into something, even if it’s not something that interests me. Case in point: kitchen interior design. Specifically an ad sponsored by a group of designers who want to get the word out that having kitchen and laundry renovations is just as important as feeding the starving children of third-world nations. Yeah, look, it’s a bit weird. I’m not saying it’s a cause I support, or endorse, or…understand. But I’m not morally against it either, so I’m willing to do it for work. Where a bunch of independent designers are getting the money to make ads about this stuff is really inexplicable, to be honest. I know there are places in Melbourne that do kitchen designing and whatever, but they probably have advertising budgets of their own. No…from what I’ve seen, these are just people who want to make the world a better place, via people having beautiful, custom-designed kitchens.

Ah, it’s not like I have to do all that much. I’m playing a family member who uses the sink at one point, and mostly just hands around in the group shots. It’s a really nice sink, though. You might even say it’s a marvel of contemporary kitchen design. That’s not my line, fortunately, although I’m told that I have to think about how wonderful the contemporary kitchen design is while I’m saying the one thing I do say. You know, for the motivation. These people love their craft, clearly.


The Great Jacoby Ute Party

ute under body boxesIt’s that time of year again. That time of year that I honestly don’t enjoy all that much, which could refer to quite a number of times, but…the family Ute Party has to take the cake. All the Jacoby clan come together from all over Australia, and I hear even Aunt Mabel is coming over from New Zealand. Her and Uncle Foster must’ve patched things up since the whole muddy pug wrangling wrestling racket incident.

Anyway, it’s all pretty straightforward. Everyone comes together to show off all the stuff they’ve added to their utes in the past year. So…Dad just got some new under body boxes fitted at the garage down the lane, since it was his fiftieth fitting for under tray drawers. He’s going to be glowing about that one. We all gather in a circle, with the only lights being from the headlamps, and there are a bunch of contests. First everyone gives speeches about the cool stuff they’ve added to their vehicle, and then there’s usually a contest to see who can pull a tree stump out of the ground the fastest, there’s a lot of drinking, and then…the bush dance. It’s probably the most important part of the whole event, and there’s never been a single way for me to get out of it.

Until now, that is. See, before the event when everyone meets up, there’s a exchange of gifts. New aluminium accessories, special additions to their ute canopies, some fancy new tools…and then they all have to leave a little bit earlier than they’d like so they can add them to their vehicles before getting up for farm work in the morning.

But what if I volunteered to be the mechanic for the night? I can’t service any car that isn’t a ute, but all of them ARE utes. So if I say that I’ll be busy fitting all of these new aluminium accessories, then it’ll leave me far too busy to get involved in the bush dance. I can skip the whole thing! And no one will notice me being gone anyway. Story of my life.

-Forrest Jacoby Jr.

Smart Cars that are Actually Smart?

automotive service RingwoodIf there’s one innovation we’re missing in the modern world of 2018, it’s cars that can talk to us. And no, I don’t mean stuff like “My fuel is low. Please fill up on fuel at your earliest convenience” or “My tires are feeling soft. Isn’t it time you filled them up?”

I want a car you can actually chat to. You know, like the people on the radio, except your car would actually be talking back, offering advice, listening to your problems, making recommendations for awesome shows to binge on Neat-Flicks and maybe sharing family recipes. You can’t look at your phone while driving, and I’m not really big into music, so this would at least make the morning commute slightly more bearable.

I know of a few good places in Ringwood, automotive services and electrical engineering stuff are their speciality. Maybe I could ask next time I’m in and see if they’ve heard any murmurings in the industry. I remember seeing a similar thing on a show from the eighties: it was Snit from Spite-Glider, the show about a super-secret government agent who used a sentient hang-glider to get to his missions, and the hang-glider was always really snippy and snarky. So imagine that, but it’s a car, and the AI is programmed to be a lot nicer.

I guess people who do car servicing will need a whole new degree when that becomes a thing, although maybe it’ll be even easier to carry out repairs and servicing because the car will just tell you exactly what you need. You know, beep boop, my left axle need tightening, and could you scratch my exhaust port…yep, that’s the spot. Cars can’t reach their own itches, after all; they don’t even have hands.

That will be the Ringwood car servicing of the future. Might make services cheaper if the car mostly does all the work, although if you want an AI with the voice of a movie star, that’ll cost you extra. I just want one who’ll lend a listening ear to my problems.


Hyperbaric Chambers Look So Cozy

hyperbaric medicine MelbourneThe morning routine is just…so long. I’m genuinely surprised that no one has come up with an all-in-one solution yet. Something that just means you can roll out of bed, or maybe stay IN bed, and everything is done for you. Ding, here’s breakfast. Ding, teeth brushed. Ding, your hair is done, here are your clothes all laid out, facial hair trimmed to your specification…done.

I swear, getting ready in the morning is at the top of the ‘faff’ list, AND it means less sleep.

I got a bit of a brain-wave recently, when I was on a guided tour of the hospital’s new facilities. The place where I work has just jumped on the trend of those hyperbaric chambers to buy in Melbourne…you know, the ones that deliver oxygen therapy. Pretty sue our hospital is seriously behind the times even now, but then that’s exactly what I’d expect from a place with NO designated staff parking. Anyway, some of these hyperbaric chambers are portable, but others are all glass, with enough room for a person to fit comfortably inside. And at first I thought…gee, it’d be awesome if the beds of the future looked like this, and all that machinery down below was to brush your teeth and make you breakfast and do your hair. and the glass chamber was to keep the air at a perfect level so you get the best sleep.

But then I thought…people sleep in these things, right? And they’re in a new section of the building, so it’s not being used, right? I can basically sleep…AT work. And it’s all thanks to portable hyperbaric chambers, creating a wonderful atmosphere of comfort and general goodness. they said they’re opening up this wing in two weeks, so I’ve got that long to move my stuff here. That’s what…half an hour off my commute? Worth it. And I’ll learn how to use the oxygen chambers for maximum effect at the same time, for the benefit of my patients, so everyone can chill. It’s for a good cause in the end.


Winter, a Time of Electricity Consumption

energy monitoringSummer is over for another year…so upsetting. I keep telling myself that it’s never going to end, and then it totally does and winter sets in, and it’s just six months of misery and not being able to get my clothes dry in under a week. I could get a tumble-dryer, but who has time for that? And don’t even get me started on washing machines that double as tumble-dryers. Do I look like I’m made of money?

That would actually be quite nice, because another downside of winter are the bills. The never-ending bills that just pile up, and your only other option is freezing to death, because I’m not going without heating. I might be broke, but I at least I’m not broke and cold. And it’s not like you can just pedal a bit on your bike, or rely on the commercial solar sector, because someone had the bright idea of NOT developing those when it was relevant. Seriously, Melbourne winters have to be some of the worst in the world. I don’t know how the death toll isn’t higher every single year. And yet, there haven’t been any major advancements to commercial energy storage that make it so we don’t have to pay for heating.

The way I see it, there are two ways this should go. Either everyone gets free power, which has been hidden away through the summer months and is now being doled out during the crisis months. OR, heating just becomes a right, like free speech and oxygen. It’s just a thing that everyone has, it’s uniform, every building is fitted with it, no questions asked, just like that. Then all the other countries will hold up Australia- mostly just Melbourne- as an example to follow. Citizens don’t pay for their heating! What a utopia. And I know for a fact that commercial energy monitoring is on the rise. I’ve seen the billboards. Now we just need it to be ubiquitous in time for the frost.


Being a Parent and All That

Bentleigh east play centreGood grief, so much to do. No one tells you that becoming a parent is all about *responsibility*. I kinda thought things would get easier once the baby was born, since Sharon would stop complaining about her knees hurting and it’d just be us and a very small human. A baby doesn’t even take up that much room! And their lungs are tiny, so everyone must’ve been exaggerating how loud they can be.

Oh how wrong a person can be. Here we are, seven years later, and somehow Lila is just as much effort as before. SOMEHOW. Yes, blah blah, I love her and all that, but wow.

Now she wants a birthday party, with her other seven-year-old friends, so there will be even more of them all gathered in the same place expecting to be entertained. Great, cool. Still, there are kids party venues for hire in Bentleigh East to deal with this sort of thing. I have no real party planning skills, and I’m a terrible entertainer. Just ask Lila. She was four years old when she fired me from bedtime stories because my reading wasn’t dramatic enough. I was served a written notice of being let go, albeit written in crayon with a lot of missing or added letters. I’m not exactly good at this stuff.

Still…clowns are still a thing, right? I also heard about this guy who does rap; he sounds like good fun. I’ve heard he’s very funky and educational. But mostly, I’m hoping that there are people at the party venue who know about this sort of thing- I mean, why wouldn’t there be?- and they can be the ones to take it off my hands. Lickety-split, that’s that, children all entertained, thanks to the very good services of whatever birthday party venues open in Melbourne I can find…in two days. Wow, time sure does fly. Better get a move on. After I file these taxes.