Posts

Finding the right solution

commercial solarThere’s something I’ve been looking into for a long time, and I’m getting extremely ready to commit, but the problem is, I still haven’t found the right solar energy company to go with. You see, I run a small business and we’ve made a commitment to our staff and our community that we’re going to employ more environmentally friendly measures. So far, we’ve introduced rigorous recycling policies and installed a filter in our tap to so that we no longer have to purchase bottled water, but I feel like we’re ready to take the next step and take much more drastic action. I’ve been looking into things, and from everything I’ve seen it seems like the next big step would be to install some form of commercial solar. Melbourne has a whole host of different solar companies, and so the trick will be to find someone I can trust working with.

That’s where the trouble lies. Even though I know how amazing solar can be for businesses in the long run, even for a company that’s on the smaller end of things like mine. I still have the lingering feeling that a lot of these companies are not being truthful. I want to be sure that the company I chose is genuinely looking out for my interests, not just trying to get a quick sale. I don’t want a band aid measure that makes me feel like my business is doing the “green” thing, but isn’t creating real change. I want long term, sustainable commercial solar solutions.

That’s the main reason I’m taking my time. It’s not that I’m unsure to go solar, I know how I want to do things and the kind of impact I want to leave on the world. I need to know that I’m working with a solar company that understands my vision. If that means waiting, then I’m happy to wait.

The Mansion’s Energy Needs

commercial battery storageAs my father always used to say: “Never smile at the help. It makes them entitled. Pay them for their work, and that’s appreciation enough.”

He was a wise man. However, as the times have changed, so must we. I still never smile at the help because it does indeed make them entitled; I’ve seen it at parties in other households. However, we’ve also had to move with the times, leading to my energy policy. Obviously the mansion uses quite a substantial amount of energy, given the many rooms, facilities, barns, cinema complexes, indoor and outdoor pools, digital libraries, sporting halls and artificial ski slopes. Only two of those, although I’ve been meaning to have another installed next to lake number seven. I’ve been seriously looking into commercial battery storage, so as to properly cater to our energy needs. Obviously I have solar panels installed discretely over the non-visible parts of the roof, and most other properties in the vicinity. There’s also the solar panel field over next to the croquet arena. Which provides most of our energy needs.

I was concerned about the wastage, however, hence why I’ve been looking into energy storage. Energy is money, and money is time, and time is money, and energy is time, which means that it needs to be saved. I’m not one to waste time or money, so I’m keen to get maximum benefit out of the mansion’s solar energy program. I didn’t get where I was by allowing money to go to waste! I mostly got where I was by being born into a rich and prestigious family and being given every opportunity to succeed in life, but also, I know how to not let a good thing to go to waste. I have my top people researching Melbourne commercial battery storage, first for personal usage…and if it works out, then maybe I’ll just buy the industry.

-Percival 

Today I Conquer My Absurd Fear

hotels in LorneI kept telling myself that one day I’d conquer my ultimate fear of beaches.

Today is that day. Maybe. I’m sitting here on a cliff near the shore, dramatically looking down upon my ultimate enemy with the wind in my hair. It’s very dramatic…or it would be, if the fear wasn’t clawing at my chest as I watch the waves rolling in.

Ever since I was little, I haven’t set foot on a beach; not very Australian, I know. I was far too young to be watching Snores, the harrowing Steelberg movie about a killer narcoleptic shark, but my Uncle thought it was funny to show it to me and give me nightmare forever. Mum and Dad never let him babysit me again, but the damage was done. I never wanted to go near a beach again. Last year I even won some luxury Lorne accommodation in a raffle, and I was thrilled until I looked up Lorne and saw that it was near the coast. Sure, I could probably go along and just not go near the beach, but…this place was pretty much right there on the coast. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the sound of the sea in the distance. I’d go to bed, and even if I got to sleep I’d have nightmares all night about a sleepy shark crawling onto the shore and causing havoc. Ironically, that’s what the movie is about: a perfectly harmless shark who has such vivid dreams that he sleepwalks ashore and spreads terror through a sleepy fishing hamlet.

Snore changed my life, and not for the better, making me wonder if I’d ever get over it. But here I am, overlooking my greatest fear. I’ve been undergoing therapy, and I even managed to watch Snuffles and his Dolphin Friends, supposedly the tamest movie about the ocean ever created. Got myself a lovely Lorne hotel a little bit inland but still technically on the coast. And now I’m here. Baby steps, but…I might be able to go for a walk along the seafront. Then tomorrow…the beach!

-Enzo

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

anchor winches MelbourneThis was the day I became a meme. Specifically, the one with the dog who has no idea what he’s doing. You know…he’s got the camera, and he’s all adorable since he’s a cute dog with no idea how to operate human technology. Swap out the dog for me and put him in charge of a boat, and that was basically me.

Serves me right for getting a rich friend. Jeremy is a nice guy and all, but very clueless about how the ‘other side’ live. That’s why his parents sent him to the same uni as me, instead of…I don’t know, somewhere like Oxford. So now half my life is normal stuff, like going to the cinema, and then there are the ‘outings’. Boating, for instance. Except Jeremy doesn’t understand that us low-borns aren’t often given the opportunity to steer yachts all that often, so…hilarity ensued? Don’t ask me who services anchor winches in Melbourne either. I can tell you where to get a really good burger, maybe a nice cup of coffee (not, like, rich people coffee, but good by my lowly standards) but boat repairs? Yeah, best to just phone your butler and let him take things from there.

The weirdest thing was how Jeremy seemed to think me smacking the boat into the pier and tearing up the boards. Or at least, it was weird until I realised he’s rich, his family is rich and this is the equivalent of dropping a hotdog on the floor. Must be nice, eh? They definitely know where to find outboard motor servicing and such, so it wasn’t so much of a problem. Plus I made it very clear that I shouldn’t be taking the controls of an expensive yacht, both before and afterwards. On the plus side, now know where in Melbourne you get outboard motor servicing. I am never going to use this information, ever.

-Martin

The rat in the roof

roofing MelbourneLesson number one: Don’t count on your 27 year old unemployed son to take care of the house while you’re on holidays. He will mess it up.

Lesson number two: Do not neglect your roofing. Roofing maintenance around Melbourne is just a phone call away!

These lessons were hard-earned by yours truly upon the untimely return from her first holiday in three years. She’d finally accrued enough holiday pay to go to Europe for a number of months – until her rendezvous was cut rudely short by a disaster back at home.

I told Damon to keep in touch. He didn’t. Of course this meant things were going fine, no news is good news, right? I’m sure he was trashing the place having parties and whatnot. Little did I expect just how bad things could get.

So, it wasn’t really Damon’s fault but his ignorance and inattentiveness certainly caused the problem to get much greater than it needed to be. What happened was that a rat died up in the roof gutter. We’ve never ever had rats at our place or in our area, so I’m convinced it was Damon’s slovenliness and filthiness that led the the infestation in the first place. After the rat died, it blocked the gutter drain. There was a huge build up in debris from tree leaves and the elements, and then the rain came and the whole thing got clogged up with deteriorating gunk. By this stage, it was too late for roof repair. In Melbourne, the rains were hitting hard and the ceiling was leaking in the kitchen, the whole house smelled of dead rat in the roof, it was a nightmare. Damon called me when the situation was at its most dire, and I was recalled home.

He’s rather a lot like his father, who thankfully I see little fo anymore.

Oxygen Helps With Drama

hyperbaric chambersI’m dramatic.

There you go, me in a nutshell. I’ll make drama out of anything, which is why I’m pursuing a career as an actor. I do it tastefully, of course. Wouldn’t want to make people think I was actually dying when I saw an amusing meme on Tomb-Blur, even though everyone says all the time that’s they’re ‘literally dying’. Pfft, amateurs.

Then I learned that Melbourne has hyperbaric chambers coming into use, and that was it. I can actually hyperventilate so much that I need to step inside an oxygen chamber to get my breath back. It’s called medicine- hyperbaric medicine, to be precise- so there are actual health benefits. I just revel in the thought of announcing that I can no longer breathe and must return to my portable oxygen chamber to recover.

Such potential. Quite often when confronted with news I start to take deep breaths, because there’s no better way to express your immense surprise. Just yesterday the postman brought me a letter with the gas bill, which was slightly higher than usual. I made sure he was still standing there when I ripped it open with a flourish, my hand placed upon my chest as I took in the amount. My eyelids fluttered, I steadied myself with the door frame and made moves as if to wilt into his arms. He didn’t look too happy about this, so I decided against actually going through with it. Sometimes you have to learn when ordinary, non-dramatic people aren’t willing to play along. It’s a gift. My breathing had quickened, obviously. I treat this like any other show, and thus I was giving 110%.

An oxygen chamber would complete the picture. Like snuff boxes of old, I would retire to my portable Melbourne hyperbaric chamber and recover my composure, except this is considerably more high tech and good for you in general. And the scene would close…in perfection.

With the Power of my Entomology…

Alright, I’ll admit to being a terrible person. I am. I am a terrible person. But do you know what we even more terrible? Thanks for asking, I’ll tell you: this job. Every day it’s the same old slog. Enter data, talk to someone about entering data, talk and you get a warning, enter some more data, have lunch in the lunch-room where you complain about life, the kids and people stealing your lunch, then back to entering data while NEVER knowing if any of this is doing a lick of good. Sometimes Samara brought in coffee, because she is a beacon of light in a landscape of grey, but that’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

And that, readers, is why we now have a termite problem. I may have, um…introduced a few of them from my garden. I originally trained as an entomologist because of my fascination with insects, but there weren’t any jobs going. Oh, they got in the termite control people from Frankston, pronto as pronto could be, but I’ve been steadily introducing them over the course of a month so the damage has indeed been done. We’ve been given a week off work while they try to sort the building out, and honestly?  I don’t feel good about it any more. You happy? I got my wish, work is closed, the building is coming down and my victory is hollow as hollow could be.

The boss just seemed to down about the whole thing when he called everyone. I always thought he just stayed in his office, stony-faced and caring as much about the job as I did. So, like, nothing. But there was genuine sorrow in his voice as he told us all to take the week off. He WANTS to be there, working, and I’ve ruined his life, clearly.

I need to make this right. I’m sure Frankston pest control is perfectly equipped to deal with the threat, but it’s more than that. I, myself, need to leap into the fray with my entomology knowledge. This is my problem to solve! No idea how I’m going to do that, but unless I redeem myself, I’m going to live with this forever.

-Egbert

Trying to Sort Things (life) Out

keynote speaker SydneyI hear they sometimes sentence people who’ve committed crimes to seminars in lieu of jail time. Like, really long seminars where motivational speakers tell them how to straighten out their lives. So my question is this: what crime do I have to commit to get myself sentenced to one of these, and how do I make it so the whole thing doesn’t go pear-shaped and land me in jail.

I just need SO much sorting out. There’s a pile of laundry in my apartment that’s been there for three weeks. Putting it in the washing machine would take all of a minute, but then I think about having to take it out, hang it all up and that job just goes out the window. I spend all my free time on gaming. My bathroom is not a habitable environment for visitors. And don’t even get me started on the ironing.

I’ve thought about looking for an Australia conference speaker and getting a good talking to, but then I couldn’t even afford it. Of course I couldn’t; conference speakers are meant for conferences! Even if I could, I’d feel like such an idiot sitting there in the middle of the room with a conference speaker up the front, motivating me to keep going with my life or whatever else it is they say. I’ve had friends who’ve had people like that come into their offices and stuff, and they’ve all said it was top-notch stuff. Somehow, working in fast food, I don’t think we’re ever getting to that stage. There’s not much motivation that comes from shoveling fries and taking orders, and not much is needed either.

But why not?? We’re representing McDoogle’s, one of the largest fast food chains on the planet. Why is it we don’t deserve a bit of motivation? That’s it: I’m looking around for a keynote speaker in Sydney somewhere and taking this idea to the boss. It definitely beats the same thing, but with a criminal record.

-Danny

Termites Must be Removed

Frankston pest controlYou know what really bugs me? Bugs. Not just any bugs, mind you. Termites in particular. It seems like every other little critter in the world can live with humans in perfect harmony, sharing our world and generally being best of pals. Did you know, even wasps have their uses? They do the same things as bees, ask your mother. It’s true.

But termites…I just can’t stomach them. What good do they do? How do they help us live our lives? They don’t, short answer. They are little creatures of misery and destruction. That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to erasing them from civilisation and history forever! My cunning plan is to roam Melbourne, Sunshine to Frankston, pest control agents near and far to hear my call. The thing about termites right now is that they do their damage, we get all up in arms over the one specific incident and then we just go back to our lives knowing that there are still gajillions of the little devils out there. How can we sleep at night, knowing that they’re hiding away in their damp piles of wood, plotting and scheming? Plotting and scheming with their little termite brains and nefarious chompers they use to tear through everything we hold dear. It’s shameful that they’re allowed to run rampant through our gardens, set up shop in our homes and we do nothing.

I need to organise a tactical strike. It’s our best hope for survival against these odds, and people are starting to realise. Every termite control agent working as one, not to react, but take proactive action. We will take the fight to them! Already, people are flocking to my cause. Well, some people. A few. I’ve got one company on board. A bit of a company. A few dedicated people within the company. A guy with some great connections. That is, a guy who knows a guy whose uncle does termite control in Dandenong. There’s no better place to start, right?

-Albus

With One Simple Ladder…

aluminium trestleI swear, the street performers in Melbourne are the best in the world. I’ve been to India, China, Albajeria, all around Europe and to the big cities in America, so I feel I’m qualified to make that kind of statement. Objectively, they’re just awesome, and SO unique. There are a lot of snake charmers in India, so it gets a bit old once you’ve seen someone doing it for the eighteenth time that day. Albajerians are all into their physical feats right now, so breaking bricks, dancing on their hands, benching actual benches full of tourists…and it’s nice, but there’s not so much creativity involved.

Whearas in Melbourne you can get anything. I was sitting eating my lunch in Fed Square and just watching a guy in overalls setting up a quality Melbourne ladder platform. Alright, pretty ordinary stuff. And then he climbed right up onto the platform and started doing circus acrobatics. Nope, he wasn’t a tradesman…he was just using a set of aluminium platforms in his performance, and doing an amazing job of it. He steadily took them off during the performance, revealing a glitzy costume underneath that had people spellbound. It’s like the work ethic of Melbourne tradespeople meets the city’s arts scene in a glorious blaze of colour and life, and I was thoroughly entertained during my lunch break!

So that was random. Now I’ll have to cast a suspicious glance at anyone I see setting up planks and trestles, because they could be secret circus performers who are about to do amazing feats like climbing up them using only their feet or balancing with their entire body horizontal like a flag. The core strength, seriously…I’ve never seen anyone do that sort of thing with an aluminium trestle ladder. And I certainly hadn’t seen someone doing a handstand on top of a piano and playing it with a set of reeds stuck in their mouths. And then there were those two guys doing stand up comedy in armadillo suits. Oh, Melbourne. You’re so creative.

-Amelie