Ideas for gallery shows

diploma of beauty therapy I run a gallery in the northern suburbs of Melbourne. It’s a not for profit space run by artists who get to showcase some of their own work or the work of people they admire. Lately however, I’ve been branching out into new direction. For example, we recently had an exhibition of photographs displaying innovations in makeup and beauty therapy. It was a little bit different to have something like this in a gallery but I thought, what the hey.

The girl who gave me the idea for the show was completing a diploma of beauty therapy near Melbourne and when she told me about all of the creations they produce I was fascinated. Aside from stuff you’d expect from a beauty salon like massages and facials, they also learn about specialist makeup services, and the students can get really creative. They’re not just performing beauty therapy in many cases, they’re actually producing art. So while she and her friends were doing makeup in the classroom and also getting some hands on experience outside of class at events they have volunteered for, there was a photographer to capture their work. We displayed these photos at the gallery as part of the exhibition, along with an installation of artists tools (some of them look quite wacky!). It was all very well received.

While I never thought I’d go back to school in Melbourne, makeup artist courses are starting to really appeal to me. I never realised how much kinship this profession has with the visual art field. Makeup artists employ a lot of the same principles such as colour, form, balance and contrast. And many of them have strong ties with the performing arts which are just a hair’s breadth away from what I do. From now on, I’ll definitely be making more friends and connections in the makeup instrustry.

Distracting my five-year old

aluminium toolbox I’m having a real problem with my son at the moment and I’m just not sure what to do about it.

He’s one of those kids that always has a mischievous twinkle in his eye, if he can do something to antagonise you he will, just because he thinks it’s funny. He’s forever climbing on things, running off just to dart back in, saying just the right things to annoy the heck out of his little sister. He does whatever he thinks he can get away with.

He’s always been a troublemaker, and most of the time that isn’t a problem, but recently he’s formed a bit of an obsession with Dean’s aluminium toolboxes. While in Melbourne, we only moved down here about a year ago, Dean’s risen to be one of the top mechanics around town and I couldn’t be prouder of him. He’s never been one to leave work at work, though, and so our garage is full of all kinds of tools that are not fit for a five-year old boy to be playing with. When My kid first started sneaking into the garage, I begged Dean to keep the space nice and tidy, so the kid wouldn’t be able to get his hands on most of the heavy duty tools, but he just keeps hounding after his dad’s toolbox. I’m starting to get really worried that he’s going to end up getting his hands on something he shouldn’t and really hurt himself.

I’m half considering talking to Dean again, and asking him to keep all the tools and everything at work, on locked up tight in the aluminium trays Melbourne tradesmen have on the back of their utes, but I know he’ll think I’m just being overbearing. The truth is, I just don’t know how to keep my child out of there. Once that kid’s got his eye on something, it’s almost impossible to distract him.

Luring the prospective buyers

property staging Melbourne After so long, I’ve found the career for me. Architecture is all well and lovely, mathematics is perhaps too cerebral and not quite as creative, rocket science would be a nightmare to explain at parties and I’ve long given up on tutoring English and grammar because the world’s standards, even those in school have slipped to a point where I cannot abide discussing the issue with anyone else.

No, I think my expertise lies in finding homes that are being sold in a right state and making them right. I believe I have a gift for property styling that simply has not yet been unlocked, or unwrapped as the analogy goes. My room is beautifully laid on with a zen-like precision, and thus I feel like I need to take this talent and spread it out into Melbourne. Home staging offered for hopeless people. The industry is gaining steam as time progresses and people realise that they can’t simply put a rubbish dump up for sale and expect people to flock to it. There’s ‘pre-loved, in need of some TLC’ and the alternative, which is a home so poorly take care of that prospective buyers are likely to perform and heel-turn on the doorstep as soon as they glimpse the entrance hall. Folks are counting on people like me to come and sort out all my problems, which admittedly is how I spend most of my life. Plus I do relish the prospect of entering people’s homes and being allowed to judge them as part of my job. House staging experts must have such a time, throwing out sassy comments nestled in an air of professionalism. It’s like being a nosey, well-meaning neighbour, except your advice is actually useful, welcomed and you get paid for it. Is there a higher calling?

The Melbourne home staging industry needs me. I’m the interior designing sass-talker this city needs, and soon, everyone is going to know it.

A very strange conversation

TV antenna installation I just had one of the most bizarre exchanges of my life. Unfortunately, it didn’t involve anything awesome or even particularly interesting, which is sad because, really, those are the best kind of bizarre conversations. This was more along the lines that I just had really no idea what was going on. It was actually almost like we were both having a different conversation – none of the questions and answers matched up. It was only later, when I was relaying the conversation to my dad, that he was able to work out what the heck was going on.

As it turned out, our neighbour can see our TV antennas on our Melbourne home from his house. About a week ago, he was looking out the window and noticed that the antenna was on a pretty steep lean, so much so that it was basically lying down parallel. From our house, and even from the street, you can’t see the antenna at all, so we had no idea why our tv signal had been so dodgy in recent times, which believe me, it has been. Most of the time, we can only get one channel, and even then it’s often pretty sporadic.

All this information is well and good, I mean, it’s going to mean that dad can finally fix the tv since now he knows what’s wrong, but the creepy delivery of this information has me thoroughly freaked out. There have been rumours floating around pretty much forever that the guy has some kind of problem, but nobody knows what it might be. He’s just a very odd man. And, helpful advice about Melbourne antennas aside, stopping a young woman in the street to talk about her ‘house stalk’ is really not acceptable social behaviour. Needless to say I was a little rattled afterwards.

Falling through floors

pest control Dandenong Okay so it turns out I’m significantly more of an idiot than I thought I was. I mean, I’ve always known I wasn’t ‘smart’, thirteen years of high school was enough to teach me that much, but this is a whole new level of stupid. You see, I always thought that, even though I wasn’t ‘book smart’ I was ‘street smart’. I know my way around the real world, which in lots of ways is a lot better than knowing algebra and calculus. I mean, that’s what I always thought, anyway. That book smarts can only get you so far and all that jazz.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. Back to the story. About six months ago now I moved into this beautiful old home. I’m serious, the place is a real find. Almost like something out of a fairy-tale. I guess I should have known it was too good to be true. Anyway, my real estate agent said the floor was rickety because the house was so old. It made enough sense, so I didn’t question it until one day, walking from the kitchen to my room, I fell straight through the floor. It was quite a shock let me tell you. Anyway, when I called a guy in to have a look at it, he laughed at me and told me he was the wrong guy for the job – that I was going to find a termite control guy in Dandenong and call him.

“Termites?” I asked. Sometimes I space out so I could have misheard him. “My real estate agent didn’t say anything about termites”. Then this guy just laughed at me and told me I’d been conned.

Far out. I am such an idiot. How could I let the wool be pulled over my eyes like that? Why didn’t I ask the real estate agent about termites? Now I have to get in touch with Dandenong pest control people instead of just fixing it myself. Not. Happy. Jan.

Glam Up Your Life with Video

wedding videography The old folks might not be so into it, but I LOVE living in a culture of cameras and social media. Sure, it can be used for evil and is many, many times every day. And sure, my friends aren’t great or frequent photographers. If I want a decent photo of me online, I need to pretend I’ve accidentally taken it with the selfie camera. For shame, I know.

But the, the flipside is that so many precious moments are not only caught on camera, but caught on camera awesomely. Everyone has an HD camera in their pocket nowadays. Fact, technology, game, set…fact. And if you’re not good at videography, Melbourne has an app for that. And by that, I mean it has videographers by the truckload who could probably transform your dog’s birthday into a feature-length film with so many dramatic zooms and musical cues, you’d swear the whole thing was written and directed by Yaival DuMesque himself. Well, maybe less pathos, but that wouldn’t be too hard.

Just last week we had our school formal, and it was kind of a disappointment. We were told that it would be ‘the greatest night of our lives’, but you wouldn’t think so from what we got. Some okay food, a bit of dancing that no one was really into…that was it. But then we got the video back, and that wasn’t even from a professional videographer. There’s just a guy in the IT department who likes to edit video, and he made the night look like a fairy tale dream. Wouldn’t be surprised if he started his own business in something like wedding videography in Melbourne, or something.

Anyway, technology. Embrace the good, and as for the bad…just shrug. It’s part of the package.

-Tamika

Happy Birthday Dad, have a toolbox!

under body boxes My dad is not a very easy man to buy presents for. It’s not that he has everything, in fact, it’s kind of the opposite, he doesn’t want anything. When we buy him clothes he continues to wear the gray tracksuit he’s worn since the nineties; when we buy him books he doesn’t read them; homewares remain in the box; whiskey gets drunk but not enjoyed and the list could really go on and on. So when my brother phoned and said he had found the perfect gift for Dad you can imagine my skepticism. He started blabbering on about this great company he has found that produce custom aluminium toolboxes in Melbourne. They aren’t just toolboxes, they go on cars and utes and transform vehicles into huge tool storage and transport facilities. I had to hand it to him. Dad would absolutely love that. At the moment he carries some tools around in a rusty red toolbox that crashes around at the back of his truck making an absolute racket. I left all the details to my brother but said because this is probably the only gift we will ever get him that he loves we shouldn’t skimp on it. I keep getting messages about various accessories we are adding such as under body boxes and roof bars. I have no doubt Dad will really love his new decked out ute. We are actually going to fill a lot of the storage compartments with new tools. Although he doesn’t officially work as a tradie anywhere he is always off exploring and finding things to either rip-apart or build. The under body boxes that go in his truck can store so much, he could put whatever he wants in there. The idea really should have occurred to us sooner but I suppose ute toolbox doesn’t really spring to mind when you think of birthday present.

Signage for my gardening business

banners Melbourne About two years ago I set up my own gardening business. Back then, it was just me and another guy. Now we’ve grown to a workforce of ten people. And we need to create some serious marketing collateral. I’m thinking local newspaper ads, car decals and signage for the street. We’re going to get a signwriter in to do the designs and make the banners. Melbourne has a lot of gardening companies so we really need to stand out. I’m a bit of an amateur connoisseur of advertising and what I’ve learnt from my personal observations is that the absurd sells, especially if it’s just the right amount of risque — this is how to get people’s attention with a great sign. So for Bert’s Gardening, we’ve come up with a few taglines to get people’s attention. We’ll have a picture of a person standing behind a hedge and the text reads, “Bert’s Gardening – trimming your hedge” and another one saying “Bert’s Gardening – you’ll dig us”.

People are constantly telling us that we’re the best gardeners in Melbourne, but sadly we can’t advertise that unless we can prove it. So I’m going to have to stick to the signage in Melbourne and hope that they have good results. It’s amazing the power that good advertising can have. You’ve got to get your right target audience. For example, we’re aiming for richer clientele in the Malvern and Toorak area, therefore the advertising needs to speak to their desires, hopes and fears. You’ve got to get inside these people’s heads when coming up with a great sign. What matters most to them? Money usually, that’s a given. So if you market yourself as a more expensive gardener, you’ll actually get more business from clientele that have more money to spend. Something like ‘Bert’s gardening – Can you afford us?’ That will play on their insecurities and their pride, they’ll want to prove themselves to their community of rich people by having our signature gardening work done to their hedges.

Window repairs and exams

timber window repairs Could Mum and Dad have chosen a worse time to get the windows installed? Seriously, I’m right in the middle of exam period, stressing my brains out because I’ve got mounds of papers to get through on top of my usual homework and the part time job. I don’t see why we needed to get the windows repaired anyway. I think my parents are just way too rigid about everything. I mean we got timber window repairs in Melbourne only a few years ago and now they’re getting them again, only this time they’ve opted for replacement aluminium windows because apparently they’re easier to clean. Like they need any more cleaning. Everything in this house shines so much it looks like a hospital. The floor is so clean you could eat off it and there is not a trace of dust in the air. If mum spots the tiniest fleck, she’ll drag out the vacuum cleaner, duster and mop from the cupboards and re-clean the whole house.

Since the window guys have been here hammering away, I cannot get any work done. Each hammer feels like a nail digging into my skull. I’m really struggling. I think I’m going to fail my exams. I mean, they’re engineering subjects, this is no walk in the park. It’s not like studying English literature or something easy like that where you’d be impervious to window repairs. Melbourne universities have a much more stringent grading system when it comes to mathematics and science subjects. That’s what my parents don’t seem to understand. If only I was getting tested on cleaning then I’d have all the answers but alas I’m studying a legitimate subject that’s going to get me a real job. It’s sad but true – I am going to fail my exams. I haven’t learnt a thing since this morning. I’m already running on empty with all this sleep deprivation.

Dead ringer in the horse barn

Tamworth horse barn Most people think that a dead ringer is an exactly look-alike of someone, but the history of the term is more than this. Back in the day people would choose a less thoroughbred horse to pass off as a horse of high pedigree, in other words, it was an exact look alike. My friend and I realised we could use this little trick to our advantage… and not just for show ponies. The first step in our operation was to hire a company who do commercial sheds in Tamworth. That way we could perform our devious little scheme under the cover of darkness.

What we did was target the racing horse that was projected to win the races later that month. Then we sources a dead ringer of that horse, one of lesser breeding and training. We kept him hidden in our newly build barn. The plan was going perfectly.

On the day of the race made sure to wait until after the jockey had taken his horse out for one last trot, and then we surreptitiously swapped the “winner” for the dead ringer horse. Nobody suspected a thing…

My mate and I watched as the races started. We’d made our bets on a lesser known yet exemplary racing horse with extremely low odds. With the predicted winning horse coming second last in the race, our little ripper was tearing through the contenders towards the front of the line. He won with flying colours and we cashed in big time. It was a highly profitable operation to say the least.

We did have to fork out a bit of money to set up the switch. There was the horse barns in Tamworth, and of course, the price of the duplicate horse, but we did make a hefty profit in the end. I’m not sure if it’s something that I’d try again. We would have to wait a few years and perhaps try the scheme in another city, just in case someone notices.