Wharfie wars over aluminium platforms

Darn wharfies. I am one but I Still think they’re dumb as dingleberries. The guys I work with, seriously, you couldn’t trust em to count to ten. That’s labouring for ya. Kills brain cells. More brain cells than beer or anything else combined, I reckon. Also a lot of them didn’t finish school. I dropped out in year ten myself but my Dad was a professor so at least I inherited a bit of cultural capital.

This one guy I’m working with a t the moment, Jezza, he’s the guy who drives the forklift and crane down at the shipping yard, he’s really pissing me off. What he does is he adjusts the height of the aluminium platform just to annoy the heck out of me. He’s knows I’m too short to reach up there so that’s why he always raises the height. He reckons it’s cos he can’t reach it with the arm of his crane but that’s all crap if you ask me. He’s got it out for me this guy. It could have something to do with the hot new wharfie who started up the other week. I took her out for e bevvo after our shift a few Fridays ago and then later learned that she was his sister! He wasn’t too happy about that.

I’m thinking of just getting some new work platforms that are the right height for me, ones that you can’t adjust. Our boss said we’ve got some extra money in the budget to get more equipment and that. I’m going to get the new aluminum ladders and platforms approved while there’s still money in there, before old mate has time to apply for additions to his crane. The old sod’s going to get a nice surprise when he finds there’s no money left to get his gear stick fixed or his forklift services. Let him suffer, I say.

ice skating brain freeze

It all started when as a toddler. I discovered ice-cream and would demonstrate the most intense brain freezes. I mean, they were so strong you could see me go cross-eyed and get that shell shocked look. Then I’d go back for another bite. There’s a video of it, it’s pretty funny.

It wasn’t just a hilarious baby thing but would become a recurring thing for me. Not only was my response to a brain freeze more exaggerated than the average person’s, but I was also more prone to brain freezes. I was vulnerable to them on winter mornings, and entering commercial freezers was like shoving an icy plug into my skull.

Some people get their kicks out of inebriation, for me, it’s a brain freeze. I don’t eat cold stuff all the time, I’m not addicted, but a little bit in moderation isn’t too bad for you. When I get that brain freeze feeling… hot diggity.

I can’t believe it’s taken me until my thirties to discover the illicit brain freezing pleasures of the ice skating rink. My brother was looking at kids birthday party venues around docklands when he found it and decided to have his daughter’s tenth birthday there. Naturally, he invited me for a bit of a laugh. He had no idea how funny the results would be.

Imagine getting like ten brain freezes all at once, like someone slamming a bunch of soft serves into your cranium. It was amazing. I stood there gawping, drooling. I’d lost control and I liked it. My niece laughed at me, pointing me out to all her friends.
They started chanting, “Brain freeze, brain freeze”over and over, egging me on for more. I was so brain frozen, when I got home that night I slept like a baby.

I’m in an interesting predicament now. My boss is looking at the ice skating rink for function venues around Melbourne. While I love a good brain freeze, this is not something I want my colleagues to see. And that’s how I came to be called Brain Freeze. Or Unkie Brain Freeze to the kids.

Boring boat set up

boatcatching system You know when you are younger and adults assume you will be best friends with anyone who is the same age as you. The same thing happens when you are older and you are a man. My sister is trying to get me to be friends with her new boyfriend so keeps setting us up on man dates. Last week we went to a footy game. I don’t even really like sport, nor does he but we are men and we shall bond over football and beer. Apparently. Our next date has been arranged against my will, this time we are going on a boat! She has obviously told him he has to get in my good boo
ks because he keeps sending me boating themed emails. I am not sure the last time I expressed any boating enthusiasm to my sister. I like boats just as much as the next guy but I think he’s gone a little overboard in attempting to bond, he’s emailed me an article about the best boatcatch system released this year. I honestly had to google what a boatcatch system was, I replied with a simple ‘thanks man, see you on the water’. I once told my sister that I would like to buy a sailing boat when I retire and I think she took this to mean I love boats and want to spend a day on one with her dull boyfriend. I looked for excuses to get out of it and I even texted her a few days before saying I was starting to feel unwell. She is smart, she saw straight through my plot to bail on the man date and came round that night with medicines and tea and said I looked fine. I realised there was no hope of me being mates with this bloke when he emailed me about getting to the dock early to observe an outboard motor servicing. Melbourne is lively enough to come up with a better activity than watching boat repairs surely!

When skills cross over: packaging and bags

security packaging I’ve done a lot of different jobs in my time. Really diverse things from working in the manufacturing industry, hospitality and in education. Now I work at an English language testing institution that do the exams. We do the tests that grade internationals on their English. Often these exams are required for admission to university here. It’s a good job. I supervise and make sure all the students know what they’re doing during the exam. I also have to make sure nobody cheats. It doesn’t pay very well but what are you going to do.

They’re introducing a new thing now at the place where I work where the tests need to be packaged after completion. My boss ordered tonnes of manila envelops from the local stationary store but I told him there was a better way. I used to work at a factory that packages sweets and had connections with Australian food packaging. I don’t know how I knew this but they also provide secure bags and tamper evidence bags which I thought would be more appropriate for the exam situation.

I wasn’t expecting there to be any crossover between my previous employment and my current one, but there was. I was glad I was able to help my boss. She called up the packaging company and she asked them if she could order some secure bags and they told her that the can produce bags specially designed for exams.

When we got the security packaging bags in they made a huge difference. Even as I was collecting the exams I felt confident knowing that they were secure. IT really put my mind at ease which is not something you can say for being an exam supervisor. It’s a really stressful job! I’m thinking of becoming a cab driver instead because that seems to be quite lucrative at the moment.

Business signs saved my shop

business signs We own a pizza shop near the city and we haven’t been doing too well of late. I don’t understand it, our pizzas are delicious. It could have something to do with the area changing. A lot of young people have moved away to be closer to the city and into younger, hipper areas, leaving only baby boomers and old people here. I guess they eat less pizza cos they have more leisure time to cook and more money for fine dining.

Anyway, the Mrs reckons we should invest in some business signs. Melbourne CBD has tonnes of signwriters that can do amazing things. They can make posters, LED light boxes and all sorts of things. She thinks we should get a big sign where all the other shops are to attract attention but I don’t think that’s our best bet. I think we should get a sticky decal for the car, and a nice design for our sign. The sign writers we’ve been looking at can also do the branding and design and I definitely think we need to re-do our logo. At the moment it’s a picture of a rotund Italian astronaut eating a pizza which is probably an offensive. Especially young people these days they’re really sensitive to racial stereotypes and cultural appropriation so that could be another reason why they’re boycotting our pizza. We need something that’s eye-catching while being inclusive and culturally aware.

I think we’re going to go for a car wrap. In Melbourne, driving around with a sign on your car can attract a lot of attention. I figure there’s probably a customer base just over in the next suburb, and the young people there would totally swing by to pick up pizza from our shop or get delivery at a few bucks extra. Trust me, our pizzas are so worth the delivery charge. They’re cheesy, greasy, juicy, amazing.

Better in Reality: The Ice Skating Party

Melbourne ice skating rink I woke up in a cold sweat. The terrible dream had returned. It felt so real, I couldn’t shake it. Standing there alone in the room, fairy outfit on, wand in hand but alone and sobbing. My little angel, my darling Angela. All she had wanted was an ice skating party. I had got it all right, well nearly all. I’d organised everything from the venue hire, Melbourne has an excellent ice rink, to the food and even the party bags. The one thing that slipped my mind, sending the invitations.

Angela, alone and inconsolable, could barely look at me. I had ruined her fifth birthday and she would never forgive me. Luckily it was just a dream. When the day finally arrived I let out of a sigh of relief when the entirety of Mrs. Brown’s prep class turned up raring to skate. Angela had nothing but a smile and some smeared chocolate brownie on her face.

I never did tell Angela about my dream. I had experienced the same nightmare before her third and fourth birthdays. I feared it was my subconscious preparing me for a major parental failure in the years to come. I felt I had struck lucky this time. The party was a hit, a full turnout in fact and I did not want to tempt fate by trying to one up myself. Of all the birthday venues Melbourne has to offer I had really hit the jackpot; Food, entertainment, cheap parking and all within reach of the city. In the years to come we celebrated Angela’s birthday on the ice. The venue never changed and the crowd only grew. The invitations were consistently sent and fun was always had.

Angela is now 15 and organising her own birthday parties. Today is the eve of her sweet sixteenth, a major milestone in her adolescence. As I lay awake thinking of this landmark event I hear a scream. It’s Ang. She had the nightmare. No one turned up, she hadn’t sent the invites. Who knew nightmares could be hereditary.

Repairing the stovetop before a big day

Blanco repairs I’ve been planning my boyfriend’s birthday for weeks. I’ve organised a surprise party with all of our friends and bought a tonne of food which I was going to cook while he was out for the morning. The day came and just as I was turning the stove on for my morning coffee, I discovered that nothing was working – not the oven, not the stove top not even the range hood. I was about to tear my hair out. What was I going to do with all of the food I’d purchased? There were rice balls I’d made the night before, and a casserole that was ready for baking. I couldn’t cook any of it! I quickly got on the phone to dial Blanco repairs. Sydney companies can get to your house pretty quickly, but it wasn’t going to be fast enough, I only had a few hours until all of the guests arrived. I was in quite a jam.

I ran outside to my car, about to hop in and head to my Mum’s place, but I stopped and ran back to the house, thinking it was better just to wait for the repairs. Then I changed my mind again and headed out for the car, juggling baking dishes and handfuls of ingredients. My neighbour poked his head over the fence and asked what I was doing. I told him my problem and he offered for me to use his oven. It’s a little bit weird working in a strange kitchen, but it was my best option. I took him up on the offer and starting cooking, while the repairs company arrived. Turns out the company doesn’t just specialise in Blanco appliances but also Bosch and Chef repairs. Sydney CBD must have all the global brands for stoves and cooktops so it’s no wonder they can cover all bases, and my neighbour decided to get a bit of a maintenance done to his appliances so as to prevent what happened to mine. Thanks to him, I got all of the food cooked in time for the surprise party. My boyfriends was delighted and we had a great day.

Name tags in a poor area

school name tags It’s sad being a teacher in a low socioeconomic area. I guess you might have some ideas of how it goes from movies, except it’s worse in real life. I’ve taught in richer areas before and moving to this area was a big shock. I got a transfer and thought I’d be doing a good thing by helping out the kids in this place where most parents are unemployed, abusing substances, or generally not around. I saw myself as contributing a positive influence to the kids’ lives at such a supple age, making a difference in the world, you know? But I never realised just how challenging it would truly be.

I know that what I’m about to bring up may sound like a trivial point, but this is just an example of how acute social disadvantage is in this neighborhood in Australia. Our school cannot even afford school name tags. Our school cannot afford anything. While other schools have got their interactive whiteboards and a tablet for every pupil, ours school doesn’t have enough stationery or even badges for the student representative council. I think the name tags are a particularly poignant example of social disadvantage, because rewarding young people for taking initiative and leadership roles goes a long way to helping their self-esteem and setting them up for the future. Without any recognition for their achievements, without rewards for hard work, they’ll grow up as disillusioned and embittered as their parents, preferring self-destruction to self-betterment.

I’ve put a lot into this school myself. I don’t intend to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet here or trying to play the white knight, but when I see the lack of resources that get funneled into this school and this area, I just have to put my hands into my own pocket. That’s why I’m ordering magnetic name tags in Australia and setting up a reward system to inspire the kids to achieve, teaching them that with hard work does comes rewards.

Melbourne tours taught me to love

sightseeing Most people tend to have fond feelings towards the city they grew up in – not me though. Melbourne has always been a strange and hostile place for me. First of all, the weather is so erratic that my weak immune system can’t handle it. From hot to cold in twenty fours hours is just not right. I never got used to it even though I grew up here! Secondly, Melbourne is so arty and pretentious. Give me fast food and prime time TV any day, suburban shopping malls and local soccer clubs. I just don’t understand all of the abstract sculptures they put around town, and that stuff they call ‘street art’ – looks like plain old graffiti to me. These attitudes are starting to change however since I did some proper sightseeing. Melbourne is slowly becoming less arcane after all.

I can see why the tourists love it here. Even people from interstate probably feel like they’re somewhere in Europe, what with our cobblestone laneways and Italian restaurants. I recently did a sightseeing tour of Melbourne’s ‘alternative’ locales and it was quite the eye opener. Prior to that, I didn’t think things got much better than takeout burgers and fries, but then I was introduced to a real chocolaterie and a weirdly decorated restaurant with the S word in the title (- okay it’s ‘Satan’ if you must know). I’m starting to see a little of what people mean when they talk about the higher pleasures. In Melbourne, sights are just the beginning.

Call me humble but owning a gabled home in the suburbs was my dream. Put the missus and kids in there and viola, you’ve got your life made. I never thought there was much beyond red bricks and weatherboard, that was until I saw the magnificent sights such as Raheen and Como House. How has such luxury existed in my own city without my even knowing it? I guess I haven’t been getting out enough.