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The Green Rock

My partner and I went to the store today, looking for a cool new bathroom design. We bought our house about ten years ago and honestly, I’d never really been a fan of the bathroom but we didn’t have the money to renovate it.

But Tim got a big promotion at work the other day, which means we’ve suddenly got the funds. Super exciting. So we were looking at all these custom bathroom designs, trying to decide which was best, when suddenly this green space rock appeared in front of me, literally out of thin air.

Tim was like, “I’m not touching that thing.” But I’ve always been braver than him and reached out for it with little hesitation. I’m still not really sure if that was a good decision or not.

On the positive side, I have the ability to control the air, like some sort of superhero. On the negative side, my body has been turned into a plastic monstrosity. Tim says I look like a Bionic Cool now, but I don’t know what that is.

Why is it that every time I think about getting bathroom renovations near Melbourne something crazy happens? Last year I won a competition and got some extra money from it, so we were going to do the renovation then, but I got attacked by a hoard of vicious rabbits on the way to the bank. They stole my cheque and tore it to pieces. And the year before that, I got my inheritance but had to use it to pay my student loans.

And this time, I’ve been turned into a plastic monster that doesn’t even need to use a bathroom. So much for bathroom renovations now! 

What am I supposed to do with the ability to control the air and green, plastic bones? Seems kind of useless. Why has this even happened to me? Can’t someone else have become a Bionic Cool? This honestly sucks.

– Elizabeth Cloud

Evil No More

Hello, and welcome back to our semi-live account of the epic battle between Space Wizard and Sewer Wizard. I’m Tybalt Way. Let’s jump straight back into it. I want to see how this ends! 

Sewer Wizard has decided to fight dirty, drawing a knife, and it seems there is nothing Space Wizard can do to stop him. Is this the end of our space friend and ally? It seems so.

And out of nowhere comes a bolt, striking Sewer Wizard in the shoulder. Where did it come from? Oh my! It seems Bandit has abandoned his post to help Jack Zebraman escape the destroyed ballista. Together, they’ve built the world’s largest crossbow out of the destroyed parts and used it to hit Sewer Wizard! What a team they make. Surely they would have held their own among the best office fitout firms Melbourne has to offer, if only Sewer Wizard had not destroyed the set of Australia’s Next Top Office. 

The force of the bolt has knocked Sewer Wizard back. Before he can stand, Ms Frankie blasts him with an intense stream of water, keeping him down. Now Space Wizard is leaping forward, putting his hand on Sewer Wizard’s head. All is quiet for a moment, before light bursts between the two wizards.

What is going on? It seems Space Wizard is attempting to absorb Sewer Wizard into himself. That makes sense since Sewer Wizard is just the darker half of his liquified form. Will this really work? Will they restore balance, right here in the centre of commercial design for Melbourne offices? Here, where Next Top Office took the world by storm, becoming the most popular show on Not Flicks before its abrupt cancellation?

The two wizards are covered in light, shaking like there’s an earthquake here. We all watch on with bated breath. Bandit, Ms Frankie and Jack Zebraman don’t move a muscle.

And in a blinding flash, it appears to be over. Now Space Wizard stands alone. Sewer Wizard is nowhere to be seen. Are they one entity again?

Space Wizard looks up for a moment. He nods to each of his friends. Then he mutters an incantation, waves his hands, and disappears.

It seems the day has been saved. But at what cost?

Mechanics in Space

There was a surprising amount of people in the room for the information session about becoming a member of the Auto King’s space flight crew. Each of them wore lab coats that they’d probably bought from a two-dollar store.

I drew many curious glances, as I wore a gambeson instead of a lab coat, and instead of a calculator, I carried a bow. Nonetheless, I found a seat amidst the group and waited, as everybody else seemed to be doing.

I heard a whisper behind me, as a few people spoke about how they’d been recruited by some Mornington automotive specialists. I thought this was odd since the meeting was being held in Brighton. I guessed anybody around Hobart was being selected.

Eventually, somebody walked onto the stage in front of us. He was a tall man with a strange hat and a comically long moustache. 

“I am the Auto King’s top general,” he announced. “But you may call me Rufus. Now, many of you are probably wondering what you are doing here. We believe you have what it takes to be crew in the King’s spacecraft. Why would you do this? The answer is simple. You will have free access to the best shop in Mornington for tyres and auto repair. Now if that isn’t an excellent deal, I don’t know what is.”

“What would we be doing in the Auto King’s space crew?” I asked.

“An excellent question,” Rufus said. “You would be making people around Victoria fear for their safety while acting as if you serve Premier Norris. That way, people will not vote for Norris, and Dr Dark McBane will be elected instead, as he has promised to liberate sentient cars all across Victoria.” 

Rufus took a deep breath and frowned. “Unfortunately, you shall not be joining this army, Mr Terrance, as you have already destroyed many of the scientists we employ. To the rest of you, I say, if you defeat this vagabond, you shall all be admitted into the Auto King’s ranks. Now destroy him!”

Uh, oh. Seemed as if I’d have to fight my way out of this one.

– Victor Terrance

Titans, An Uncertain Comedy

designer adhesive WallpaperI can’t say I’m convinced by ‘Titans!’, the recently-announced sitcom focused on the ancient Greek deities of the same name. I can see the appeal in taking these titanic mythological figures and putting them in ordinary, mundane and wacky situations as they just try to live normal lives. The trailer had a couple of good moments, like Atlas getting angry at Hyperion because he drank the last of the divine nectar and put the empty bottle back in the magical ice chunk, and he’s having the Olympians round for dinner so he goes out, and…

You know, describing comedic situations like that makes them sound a lot less funny than they are. Still, most of the trailer just…wasn’t funny. I get that they’re going for a bit of anachronistic humour, but there was like a thirty-second segment dedicated to Chronos whining to Gaia and Tartarus about how he wants designer wallpaper for his room depicting that one time he beat Uranus in an arm-wrestling conquest in front of the whole school. It was kinda funny when we saw the end result- a massive wallpaper mural of the event, blown way out of proportion and exaggerated- but I’m not sure the writing team has the chops to make an entire episode’s worth of jokes about wallpaper. They talked about it at the panel afterwards as well; said the ‘wallpaper episode’ was one they were really proud of. Maybe there’s going to be a B-plot about Atlas and Rhea sneaking out to go to the Amphitheatre to see a bawdy show and getting totally grounded, but…I dunno. The trailer was bad. Maybe it’s just a bad trailer, maybe not?

Or maybe they just got one of those sponsorships from a company that does digital wallpaper, meaning they had to write a whole thing into the script because money and stuff. I have nothing against people who make wallpaper or anything. I love that you can get digital wallpaper now. But I just don’t want a really good premise to be ruined by some sub-par writing, you know?

-Bryan

Auto-Style, Just What We Need!

hair stylists South MelbourneYou know, I really think I’ve cracked the code of what’s been wrong with our mech-suits. And that is…hair. Unless you want one of those open-cockpit abominations that just shouldn’t exist, mech suits are often enclosed to offer the best protection and care. But wait, many cry! That will mess up my hair as surely as will a hat or hood, or some similar thing! Plus there’s just the generally untapped market of hair styling machines.

We can combine all that into one with our Mech-Suit Mark VII, now with an in-built hair styling service. Combined with the suit being able to serve you breakfast, navigate the appointments and a cooling system that keeps you fresh on those hot days, I really think we’re getting close to a real product.

Only problem now is that the hair styling…doesn’t work. We’ve contacted all sorts of hairdressers in the Melbourne CBD and asked for help in developing the project, and none of them seemed to think it would work. I mean…sure. It’s unprecedented, a series of metal arms that are able to style your hair in hundreds of different ways via vocal commands.

And okay, sure: a lot of the hairdressers raised the very good point that people wouldn’t be too happy with a robot using scissors around their heads. That’s why we go to hair salons, to get professional hairdressers to snip around our heads with scissors instead. If a hairdresser accidentally gives you a jab, they can say sorry and learn from the experience.

Alright, so, research it is. We just have to get our engineers to visit every single hair salon within the city limits, take as many notes as possible, and maybe hire a hairdresser to perform a trim so we can record it for our AI system. Any information is useful. I’ll do some research, look up all the hair stylists near South Melbourne, and complete our data-banks. I really think the auto-style function is what we need for mech-suits to be commercially viable, though.

-Mitch

The Greatest of Office Designers

office designAnd my parents said that a degree on commercial office design was a waste of time! Well, they said the same thing about my entire existence, and look how THAT turned out. That’s right: probably correct for most of my life. But now I have a degree, and I’m going to be the very best office designer Melbourne has ever seen. All I have right now is the degree, because it’s a seriously cut-throat industry that’s hard to break into, but one day everyone will know my name. You won’t be able to walk into an office in Melbourne without seeing my design stamp upon it, both in a metaphorical sense (I’m thinking of combining art-deco with neo-Grecian architecture, for a truly distinctive style) and also, in real life. As in, when I design an office, I’ll put my logo on it somewhere. Not in a really obvious way, just like…always there, so people don’t forget that it was me who made them this wonderful, open-plan space that they are currently enjoying. I’ll have to put that in the contract or something otherwise I’m not sure if businesses will go for it.

Ideally, I’m thinking that I have to join one of the many guilds that exist within the world of Melbourne office design. As I said, it’s quite a serious industry, filled with serious business, and you can’t just start designing offices willy-nilly. You find a mentor who’ll teach you the secret ways, and also help you to survive amongst all the other young, up-and-coming office designers who’ll almost certainly be trying to trip you up, and maybe secretly assassinate you if you have enough skill. I suppose that’s how you know for sure if you have the special x-factor to join the industry of Melbourne’s best office fitouts. Not only have you survived multiple assassination attempts, but you also excel at desk placement, and the best window locations for natural light. Unless there’s skylight potential. PRO-TIPS.

-Larissa

Better Bathrooms, Here and in Animation

Melbourne bathroom designersEveryone is buzzing about VR lately, and I personally can’t wait until it’s a real thing. See, people like me are cursed. My love for Japanime has shown me that things could be so much better than they are in real life, and yet, it is something I could never have…unless we get totally-immersive video games at some point in the near future, and then it’ll be awesome. The world of the digital can be shaped however we wish, just like in ‘Digi-Mon-Day’, except without the calculator business and world saving. Although it WILL save the world, just you wait!

So anyway, until that day comes, I’ve been checking out the incredible new anime from Dinky-Dai-Animations, which is all based around…bathroom renovators. See, even things like that can be made incredible by the power of creativity and animation! In real life, I wouldn’t have much of an interest in bathroom renovations. Well, except if they involved putting in an extra sink, because my sister hogs it something fierce. And then maybe it’d be nice to have a shower that actually worked, instead of the rubbish hot-cold drip we have now. And a bath…yeah, one of those would be cool. It’s just nice to have options when it comes to the winter, you know?

Okay, maybe bathroom renovations are a bit more interesting than I thought, but you know what makes them even better? An anime about bathroom renovators who do that, and also protect the bathroom from evil spirits! There’s nothing worse than being attacked by a demon while you’re trying to brush your teeth, and that’s the type of professional bathroom designers I can get on board with.

Though if someone could stop the dripping and maybe get us a new sink without all the limescale, in real life, I wouldn’t exactly complain…

-Dylan-kun

Yes, I’m Very Passionate About Kitchens

kitchen interior designIt’s great having some acting work again, even if it’s mostly just ads. Hey, that’s how most actors tend to tide themselves over in between the big stuff. I didn’t like the idea at first…particularly since it felt like a step down. But meh…it’s not like I was a big movie star before anyway. Not even a big celebrity; just small-time stuff in a cabaret act. It was so fun, though…

Still, I have to put my all into something, even if it’s not something that interests me. Case in point: kitchen interior design. Specifically an ad sponsored by a group of designers who want to get the word out that having kitchen and laundry renovations is just as important as feeding the starving children of third-world nations. Yeah, look, it’s a bit weird. I’m not saying it’s a cause I support, or endorse, or…understand. But I’m not morally against it either, so I’m willing to do it for work. Where a bunch of independent designers are getting the money to make ads about this stuff is really inexplicable, to be honest. I know there are places in Melbourne that do kitchen designing and whatever, but they probably have advertising budgets of their own. No…from what I’ve seen, these are just people who want to make the world a better place, via people having beautiful, custom-designed kitchens.

Ah, it’s not like I have to do all that much. I’m playing a family member who uses the sink at one point, and mostly just hands around in the group shots. It’s a really nice sink, though. You might even say it’s a marvel of contemporary kitchen design. That’s not my line, fortunately, although I’m told that I have to think about how wonderful the contemporary kitchen design is while I’m saying the one thing I do say. You know, for the motivation. These people love their craft, clearly.

-Howie

The Great Jacoby Ute Party

ute under body boxesIt’s that time of year again. That time of year that I honestly don’t enjoy all that much, which could refer to quite a number of times, but…the family Ute Party has to take the cake. All the Jacoby clan come together from all over Australia, and I hear even Aunt Mabel is coming over from New Zealand. Her and Uncle Foster must’ve patched things up since the whole muddy pug wrangling wrestling racket incident.

Anyway, it’s all pretty straightforward. Everyone comes together to show off all the stuff they’ve added to their utes in the past year. So…Dad just got some new under body boxes fitted at the garage down the lane, since it was his fiftieth fitting for under tray drawers. He’s going to be glowing about that one. We all gather in a circle, with the only lights being from the headlamps, and there are a bunch of contests. First everyone gives speeches about the cool stuff they’ve added to their vehicle, and then there’s usually a contest to see who can pull a tree stump out of the ground the fastest, there’s a lot of drinking, and then…the bush dance. It’s probably the most important part of the whole event, and there’s never been a single way for me to get out of it.

Until now, that is. See, before the event when everyone meets up, there’s a exchange of gifts. New aluminium accessories, special additions to their ute canopies, some fancy new tools…and then they all have to leave a little bit earlier than they’d like so they can add them to their vehicles before getting up for farm work in the morning.

But what if I volunteered to be the mechanic for the night? I can’t service any car that isn’t a ute, but all of them ARE utes. So if I say that I’ll be busy fitting all of these new aluminium accessories, then it’ll leave me far too busy to get involved in the bush dance. I can skip the whole thing! And no one will notice me being gone anyway. Story of my life.

-Forrest Jacoby Jr.

Smart Cars that are Actually Smart?

automotive service RingwoodIf there’s one innovation we’re missing in the modern world of 2018, it’s cars that can talk to us. And no, I don’t mean stuff like “My fuel is low. Please fill up on fuel at your earliest convenience” or “My tires are feeling soft. Isn’t it time you filled them up?”

I want a car you can actually chat to. You know, like the people on the radio, except your car would actually be talking back, offering advice, listening to your problems, making recommendations for awesome shows to binge on Neat-Flicks and maybe sharing family recipes. You can’t look at your phone while driving, and I’m not really big into music, so this would at least make the morning commute slightly more bearable.

I know of a few good places in Ringwood, automotive services and electrical engineering stuff are their speciality. Maybe I could ask next time I’m in and see if they’ve heard any murmurings in the industry. I remember seeing a similar thing on a show from the eighties: it was Snit from Spite-Glider, the show about a super-secret government agent who used a sentient hang-glider to get to his missions, and the hang-glider was always really snippy and snarky. So imagine that, but it’s a car, and the AI is programmed to be a lot nicer.

I guess people who do car servicing will need a whole new degree when that becomes a thing, although maybe it’ll be even easier to carry out repairs and servicing because the car will just tell you exactly what you need. You know, beep boop, my left axle need tightening, and could you scratch my exhaust port…yep, that’s the spot. Cars can’t reach their own itches, after all; they don’t even have hands.

That will be the Ringwood car servicing of the future. Might make services cheaper if the car mostly does all the work, although if you want an AI with the voice of a movie star, that’ll cost you extra. I just want one who’ll lend a listening ear to my problems.

-Alex